A version of you shows up in the hardest moments with the people closest to you. It follows a pattern.

Your partner says something that lands hard. Maybe they are upset with you, or bring up something you thought was over.

Before you have time to think, your state shifts.

The first thing that changes is your state. You feel the shift in your body before you have words for it.

Water can be solid, liquid, or gas. Your state can move too, depending on what is happening between you.

At the solid end, you close off. You shut down, step back, or stop responding.

At the gas end, you lose your own shape. You rush to fix things or get so caught in their emotions that it becomes hard to tell what you feel or want.

Liquid is the middle. You stay present and connected without shutting down or getting tangled in the other person's emotions.

The second thing that changes is the story running through your head. We're not okay.

One version is They're not good enough.

You focus on what they did wrong, and their flaws feel like the reason you are upset.

The other version is I'm not good enough.

You may not say it to yourself this clearly. It often runs quietly under everything else.

Your state and story combine in four ways.

The one you go to most often becomes your core strategy.

Core strategy: ANGER. Your face and chest get hot, and your voice gets louder.

Core strategy: CONTEMPT. You get colder and more logical as they get more emotional, then ask a leading question or make a snide remark that leaves them feeling foolish.

Core strategy: WITHDRAW. You go quiet and helpful at the same time, give one-word answers, then replay the same story for hours.

Core strategy: CONFORM. You agree, smooth things over, and take the blame to try to stop them being upset, even when it means saying yes to more than you can carry.

Water is the centered state, and the story is We're okay.

You can feel hurt or angry and still be present, grounded, and connected. You are aware of your body and able to choose your response.

We can all move through the four protective states, but most of us have one we go to more often with the people closest to us.

Your default decides how the hardest moments with the people you love go, but it is where you go, not who you are, and you can learn to catch it and choose what you do next.

The assessment shows you your default in 25 statements and about three minutes.